-Automatic translation
You can find information on relationships and relationships between young people - Relationships with girlfriends, boyfriends, friends, parents, and family.
Healthy relationships are discussed, and advice is given on responding best when people experience serious difficulties in relationships with their girlfriends/boyfriends or loved ones.
About relationships and communications
-Automatic translation
When people start dating, it's important to consider what you want from the relationship. We need to make demands on how we are treated and not be afraid to express this. What is important to us varies, and realising that no relationship is perfect is important. It can be good to write down what you want from a relationship and think about what is most important.
This is how I want to be treated:
That I am trusted
That I am encouraged
That I am loved
That I am treated with honesty
That I am taken care of
That I am respected
That I am hugged
That I can trust him/her
That we hold hands
Other important things __________________________
Am I getting what I want out of the relationship?
It can be good to look at this list regularly and wonder if you are getting what is important to you from the relationship. It is especially important if you start to doubt something about the relationship.
Similarly, you can turn the example around and ask yourself how you want to treat your girlfriend or boyfriend. Do I have something to give in the relationship? We cannot make demands on others if we are not going to make an effort ourselves. We are responsible for our behaviour towards others.
How do people act in a healthy relationship?
In a healthy relationship, there is equality, honesty, and respect. Communication also needs to be good. In good relationships, the good times outnumber the bad.
Honesty
It may sound cliché, but honesty is the foundation of a good relationship. Both with girlfriend/boyfriend and in relationships with family and friends. In honest relationships, both can admit to being wrong, tell the truth without fear, and forgive mistakes.
Respect
In good relationships, there is respect on both sides. Respect is, for example, supporting the other in what interests him or her. It is essential to respect the opinions of others, be sensitive to feelings, and trust the other in the relationship. When there is respect in the relationship, one person is not trying to control or change the other.
Good communication
Good communication holds people together. It is crucial to be able to discuss things honestly. You must listen to the other person and be ready to discuss problems and disagreements. Sometimes, the arguments are purely due to misunderstandings.
To promote good communication, keep this in mind:
Be precise and clear
Express feelings and ask about the feelings of the other person/persons
Note what is important to you and what is essential to the other person
Brainstorm possible solutions where both parties (or all) get the most of what they want.
Avoid this:
Sarcasm
Calling names
To intervene
Set preferences (If you don't come with me to the prom, we'll break up!)
-Automatic translation
When did it become harmful?
When we think of violence, physical violence usually comes to mind first. However, violence can be multifaceted and is often divided into three categories:
physical violence
mental abuse
sexual violence.
It is not enough to know a good relationship; you also need to know when it has become harmful. You can find yourself in a toxic relationship or have friends who are in such a relationship.
It is important to know the symptoms that indicate that a person is subject to violence or oppression and those that suggest a person is violent.
What if a friend is violent?
It is not enough to act and help the victim; we need to go further and help the perpetrator. Did you know that most men who abuse their wives started doing this as teenagers? With good help, such behaviour among young people can be stopped. It should also be noted that women can abuse men, and it is no less serious.
Sometimes, TV shows and movies show men being abused. Still, it is often presented humorously as if there is any shame in being subjected to such a thing, or the men are shown as always ready for sexual activities. Don't be fooled; try reversing the roles of man and woman in such a scene and see if it's still funny.
How do I know that someone is using violence or is being abused?
The person who uses violence...
Can use threats or violence to solve problems
Can have difficulty dealing with anger or disappointment
Can lose his/her temper
Can have problems at school
Can be insecure about themselves, have poor self-confidence
Can have difficulties communicating with others
Can be under the influence of alcohol or other drugs
Can have a hard time discussing things (communicating)
The person who is abused...
Can seem afraid of girlfriend/boyfriend
Can be bruised or have blisters or other unexplained signs of injury.
Can seem controlled by a boyfriend/girlfriend, who decides what to do, how to dress, paint, etc.
Can be sorry for the boyfriend/girlfriend's behaviour
Can mention the other person's violent temper but then downplay it or turn it into a joke
Can lose interest in things that used to be important, such as hobbies or seeing friends
Can change suddenly in appearance or behaviour
Violence is often progressive
Violence and oppression in relationships often start small but then escalate. If violence or oppression repeats itself, there is almost no chance it will suddenly stop unless the person gets help from experts. Therefore, there is no point in waiting and hoping that one day you will be able to please your girlfriend/boyfriend, and then he or she will not throw tantrums or use violence or threats.
Whoever uses violence is always responsible for it!
The person subjected to the violence has not called it upon themselves.
Oppression starts gradually, so it can often be difficult to realise it is happening. In the beginning, it may just be a jealous boyfriend/girlfriend. Maybe it's just fun when someone needs you and is protecting you. But then it starts to mean that you can't be with your friends because your boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't want it, or you feel like you hang out with your friends too much.
Where and when does the violence take place?
Violence and oppression often happen when there are no witnesses. However, young people are often together in a group, and then the friends may witness harmful behaviour. Having the courage to intervene is crucial if you suspect a friend is using violence or experiencing it. We cannot control what others do, but a helping hand can often make a big difference. Young people often look to their friends rather than their parents or other adults, so knowing what you can say or do is good.
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Most people think of rape when sexual violence comes to mind, but just like any other form of violence, there are many types of sexual violence.
Saying no in different ways:
Sometimes we hear that people should just say no if they don't want something or that rape can be prevented if the person wants it. It's not that simple, and it's important to understand that when rape happens, the victim is often so traumatised that they can't fight back, or the perpetrator can be much stronger.
It is also common for perpetrators to abuse a person under the influence of alcohol and drugs or to encourage drinking with the intention of sexual abuse.
Sometimes, people find it hard to say no with words but mean no with their body language. Let's take a look at what body language says no to:
To turn away.
Crossing your arms or legs.
To stiffen or freeze.
Trying to talk about something else.
Hesitating.
There can be many reasons why we can't say no. Sometimes, things happen too fast; we don't dare to say no for fear of something worse, or alcohol or drugs make things difficult.
Sometimes, people can feel that they are getting mixed messages, and if so, you need to clarify by asking, "Do you want to go further?" or "Is it okay for me to do this?".
If a person stiffens or doesn't seem to participate in the sex, it is right to stop and check whether the other person wants to continue.
Rape cannot be justified by saying the person did not say no. In a burglary, the owner didn't say no (he wasn't asked...), yet we know a crime was committed.
The influence of alcohol?
Despite a lot of talk about drugs and rape, it is nevertheless a fact that alcohol is the most common drug used when rape happens.
Alcohol has various effects, but we must be responsible for our behaviour under the influence of alcohol. Alcohol loosens restrictions, and people often use it to relax or increase their courage. Alcohol quickly impairs judgment, and making logical decisions becomes more difficult. After all, people are responsible for their behaviour.
The negative consequences of alcohol can be various.
A person who is heavily intoxicated is in no condition to give informed consent.
A person who is heavily intoxicated has a hard time explaining their feelings and intentions.
Reduced ability/willingness to accept what another person says (says no, turns away).
Reduced ability to resist pressure from others to get their way.
A person who is heavily intoxicated may have difficulty recognising and reacting to an attack.
Alcohol is never an excuse!
Although it is most common that alcohol is used, it also happens that people are drugged. It is important to watch your glass closely, watch your friends and intervene if something seems abnormal.
What can I do?
There are many things we can do to prevent sexual violence. However, it should be kept in mind that the person subjected to such violence is never to blame. The responsibility lies with the perpetrator.
To reduce the likelihood of sexual violence:
Respect the opinions and boundaries of others.
Ask direct questions if we feel we are getting conflicting messages.
Express our opinion that violence and rape are never acceptable or excusable.
Alcohol consumption is never an excuse to abuse others!
Let's take care of each other - watch our friends and intervene if we think someone is being forced to do something they don't want to do.
Let's take responsibility for our alcohol consumption.
What do I do if someone has already been abused?
Listening to someone talk about being abused can be difficult. Nevertheless, it is important to listen and try to help the victim. If someone entrusts you with the fact that they have been abused, it is good to keep the following in mind:
Keep calm. If you get very excited, there is a risk that the girl/boy will not dare to say more or feel that it was their fault.
Listen and believe what they say.
Be there for your friend; you don't always have to talk.
Realise that no one deserves to be abused.
Explain that this is not their fault.
Offer to help, but don't decide what your friend should do. The person who has been the victim of violence or attack already feels powerless. To avoid further increasing the feeling of helplessness, it is best to allow the person to take the lead.
Encourage them to seek help to deal with the consequences of the abuse.
Resources
Even though we can do a lot to help someone who has suffered violence, people often need professional help. You can seek help in various places. These include:
School nurses, academic counsellors
Stígamót - A centre for survivors of sexual violence
The Women Shelter's Association - Kvennaathvarf
Red Cross helpline, 1717
Landspítala trauma centre
Landspítali Trauma Center, Rape Emergency Department:
The service is available to everyone. Those who have been subjected to sexual violence can seek help for advice and support or medical treatment and other treatments. It is best to call first and ask for service from the Emergency Department (543-1000).
The police:
You can ask for help from the police to get to the emergency department. On the police's
website, you can read about what the police do when a case of violence is investigated/reported and what the person has to do.
-Automatic translation
If you suspect a friend is experiencing violence, oppression or being violent, it is important to carefully choose a place and time to discuss the issues. Be prepared for the person to deny everything or react badly.
Also, take care of yourself. It's hard to help people in these situations, and talking to someone like a friend or an adult is good.
Sometimes, it is claimed that society does not tolerate violence. For it to be true, we all need to take responsibility.
It takes courage to ask a friend if they are in a harmful relationship.
Before starting the discussion, it is important to choose a good time and place and think about the reaction. The person may become angry, hurt, deny everything or start crying.
It is important to speak respectfully to people.
Ask questions that require detailed answers and be willing to listen without judging. It's easy to tell a friend to "dump" that person or tell people what to do "you just have to...", but think about how this friend will be able to communicate with you in the future if they decide to stay in the relationship.
Talking to a friend or relative who is abusive or oppressive:
Don't overlook violence or oppression. If you remain silent, it helps the person deny anything wrong with their behaviour.
Let your friend know that their behaviour is not okay.
Explain to your friend what it is about their behaviour that is violent.
Help your friend understand how this affects the other person (fear, distrust, may end the relationship).
People who use violence or oppression often believe this is the victim's fault. Do not accept that view; this is used to justify the behaviour.
Help your friends get help.
Point out that changing behaviour will make the relationship better for both parties.
Why are people violent?
To control the other person, what he does, and how he feels.
The person thinks that this is normal behaviour.
The person feels that he has ownership over the other.
The person always feels that he needs to have power in his hands.
The person concerned fears losing respect if they do not retain power.
The person does not know other ways to deal with anger and disappointment.
The person concerned has managed to get his way by using violence or oppression.
-Automatic translation
If you (or someone you know) are in an abusive relationship, it can be good to create an emergency plan for how to get out of a dangerous situation. Plans like these apply in cases of serious physical or mental abuse.
Where can you go for help?
Who can you call?
Who can help you?
How can you get out of a violent situation?
Ways to go:
Let a friend or family know if you are scared or need help (it is possible to agree on emergency words if you want to be picked up).
When you go out, let them know where you're going and when you'll be home
In case of an emergency, call 112 (or 1717 for emotional support)
It is good to remember the phone numbers of people who can help or places to go in case of an emergency.
Realize when the violence is more likely to occur.
Learn to recognize when tensions are building that is likely to lead to violence.
Always have some money to be able to call if you don't have a mobile phone and to get between places if you have to.
Go out with a group of friends or other couples rather than the two of you alone.
Everyone has the right to live a life free of violence - including you!
If you are in a relationship (and have children), you need to keep the following in mind:
How do you get out safely and quickly?
Where can you take refuge, day or night?
If you have to leave home suddenly, what do you need to take with you?:
keys, clothes, medicine, money/payment cards, ID, cosmetics, (for children: school supplies, clothes, teddy bears, or other things that give them security).
-Automatic translation
During adolescence, many are taking their first steps in communicating with the opposite sex. Most of the time, it's a pleasant experience, although it can be followed by difficult times in case of breaking up. During these years, young people's attitudes are being formed, forming a specific image of a normal and good relationship and what it entails.
Teenage relationships can become violent, and young people outside relationships can also be at risk of sexual violence.
Exposure to violence, whether inside or outside a relationship, can have serious consequences, such as depression, alcohol problems, low self-esteem, and post-traumatic stress.
This summary is intended to support parents in their educational role. Adolescent relationships are discussed, such as how to identify danger signs that point to violence and how to respond.
Service provider
Directorate of Health